Dear Victoria Regina,

Hi mom, I invited one of my online classmates to dance at my bachelor’s party.  Her name is Sara Blake Cheek, and she is absolutely beautiful.  I watched her stop a guy in his car because he was transporting a controlled substance across state lines and when she checked his body for more contraband she found a Tennergy drink hidden in his pants (I won’t tell you where but I was surprised!).  I hope she has many friends just like her, because I think she is special.  Oh and by the way, I purchased a DNA test so that I can determine whether or not I am a member of the family I am living with.  If it is a positive test I will be very confused, and if it is negative then I will also be confused.  I’d like to see you soon, so come visit.

Love,

His Majesty King James Douglas Edward of Britain.